Why I’m Smiling – Week Two (bit late!)

So my promise to myself to post each week on a Friday was slightly optimistic, considering I can’t remember the last time I blogged consistently. But I’m sticking with the saying, better late than never! And the content may explain why I’m running a bit behind.

For you to understand what went on last week, you need to know one thing. I’m not a cryer. I rarely cry, if ever. I can count the movies that make me cry on one hand.

I have a chronic condition that causes me a fair amount of pain, but I can usually endure it without so much as an expression. On days where I felt it was particularly bad or hanging around a lot, I frowned, or groaned or just lay in bed feeling sorry for myself but I never cried. So when I say, I spent the day and night of Easter Sunday crying and whimpering to myself, it’s a pretty big thing. The pain had reached a new level and it was constantly switched on, not coming and going in waves like usual. Even knowing what the pain was didn’t stop me panicking that something had changed and gone extremely wrong. I’ll admit to being a justified hypochondriac but I’m usually calm. This time, I was not.

I know the having of a chronic condition isn’t right in the first place, but I know my body, I know what to expect and how to deal with it. People say I’m so strong and brave but I don’t see it that way. It’s my body, there’s nothing else I can do besides cope with it. Sadly, this was something I was told I have to cope with too. After speaking to multiple doctors and trying heat, ice, painkillers, handstands, cartwheels and whatever else I could, I (and my doctor) concluded this wasn’t anything different, just a lot worse. A flare up, it was called.

So I did what I do, and I lived with it. I went to work. I did my job, slower but I did it. I went to an interview I had. I went to my nana’s funeral and though I had to leave early, I still went. I kept on going.

Over a week later and the pain is still hanging about, with less intensity, but still more than usual. I’m keeping an eye on it but am wondering if this is now what I have to live with. If it is, then it sucks but it’s something I have to do. But the five things that made me as happy as I could be in such pain were things we take for granted every day. People that we always imagine are going to be there. And though I don’t express my thanks and love all the time, it is always there. These five things kept me going.

1. I have access to medical professionals, drugs and emergency help
2. I have a job in a company and with people who support me.
3. I have friends who always do anything they can to help
4. I have a family who is always there for me
5. I lived my life.


One thought on “Why I’m Smiling – Week Two (bit late!)

  1. Rhea Seren Phillips says:

    This blog post was inspirational! I understand what it’s like to have weeks ruined by near constant pain (I suffer from chronic headaches and migraines). It was interesting to get a glimpse of how others cope with chronic pain.


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